"Impossible to see, the spelling is"

If only. Sky Movies. Are they capable of making a blatant spelling mistake?


Yes. Yes, they are.

Fank Fun it's Friday Fantastic Photo Foolery Fest - 22/09/06

Well, seeing as it was Talk Like a Pirate Day on Tuesday, this week's FFFFPFF is simply a jolly nice picture from Pirates of the Caribbean, featuring, perhaps most, umm... prominently... Miss Keira Knightley. Please feel free to take a large swig of rum as you submit your captions.


Clicky piccy for bigness.

Now, I'm not given to fawning over celebrities, or being overly fascinated by polls for that matter - however Keira Knightley has just been voted the best Hollywood starlet of all time. Fair enough, I'll go with that.

'I have a dream.' What a freak!

When did the definition of ideology become so negative? Of course it can be used in such a context, but repeatedly at the moment I seem to hear people on TV etc. talk about ideology - i.e. the fact that some people actually have a vision or opinion about how something should be done - like it is a bad thing. Surely the main problem with our drivel-driven society is the fact that in the last thirty years we have had virtually all ideology beaten out of us in favour of sitting, dribbling in front of the TV at pappy shitcoms or 'antique TV' about how to follow Margaret Thatcher's lead to sell your family's silver for short-term profit.

People who do express an opinion now often seem to be looked upon as rocking the boat or being a bit dangerous. Okay, we may not agree with everything we hear, but call me old-fashioned, I'd rather people voice and discuss their ideas - rather than the first sign being the toys getting thrown out of the pram or people quietly getting crushed into the dirt.

There Be Somethin' Fishy About These Pirates!

Avast, me scurvy sea-dogs, it be 'International Talk Like a Pirate Day' and no mistakin' it!

It be against the code to be lettin' the day pass without mention, arrr, so I've been doin' me bit, talkin' like the salty scallywag I am and polishin' me booty, so I have.

Before you be sinkin' into a bottle o' grog under the weight of a good day's plunder, make sure you be headin' on over to the Greenpeace website, where they be pointin' out some pirates you know and some you might not have heard of - and dirty, fishy smellin' scoundrels many of 'em be.

I be off for me rum, 'ave 'ee a good'un, arrr!

My Organ Requires Some Attention...

I received a phone call today...

Ring-Ring...

RO: Hello?

Ring-Ring...

*RO picks up phone*

RO: Hello?

Posh Lady: Oh good afternoon, is that Mr Flap?

RO: Umm... no, it's not I'm afraid.

Posh Lady: Oh, never mind, I was just calling about the organ. Just to confirm there will be somebody here to let you in when you come round to have a look at it.

RO: Ah???

Posh Lady: It needs a good service.

RO: *Does best to stifle chuckle* Umm, I think you've got a wrong number.

Posh Lady: Oh. You don't service organs then?

RO: *Despite best efforts, raspberry noise worthy of a Carry On film escapes* Err... no.


We got there in the end. I think most wrong numbers have some comedy potential, but I haven't had quite such a good one for some time.

The best one I ever heard was at my last job. A female colleague was ringing clients for advertising copy changes for one of our magazines and at the time was working through the 'adult interest' adverts. Unfortunately, instead of ringing a sex-toy wholesaler she actually dialled a DIY warehouse.

Having some terms of parlance in common, they both seemed to talk at cross-purposes for far too long, even as my friend started going through the copy changes. However, once the guy on the other end of the phone started hearing phrases like 'do you want to keep the dildos in?' and 'would you like the strap-ons in a starburst?' he realised something was very, very wrong.

Funniest of all though was the fact he leapt to the conclusion that this was a genuine, 100% mucky phone call. And - whilst my colleague tried to persuade him otherwise - he kept repeating that he was going to call the Police. It took another couple of minutes to get him to understand what had actually happened, after which he eventually saw the funny side, leaving my colleague somewhat relieved and the rest of the office in stitches.

Anyone else got any good ones?

Fank Fun it's Friday Fantastic Photo Foolery Fest - 15/09/06

Following on from yesterday's post about the health benefits of cider, it appears some people are getting their children off to an early start:


Funny captions for the above please and in return for being so witty you can treat yourself to a pint of cider. Go on, you've earned it.

The above pics are from this little one's blog. I see things like this now and actually think it's quite sweet, which is worrying. I saw a fictional first-person style child blog a while back which was very funny, but I can't remember what it was now. This one is in the same vein, but factual, although the parents obviously have a sense of humour. I guess it's quite a good idea. One more thing for parents to embarrass you with when you become a teenager I suppose...

I laughed because after googling up the first photo I went to the blog main page to get the above url - and realised the latest post was about potty training. Fortunately they drew the line at posting pictures of that.

Incidentally, I ate six apples for lunch today. They weren't very big though. I just thought I'd share that with you.

Cider - a Load of Phenolics

Apart from cider making you very drunk and potentially blind I am pleased to report that there have been a few stories recently - here, here and here amongst many others, that purport cider can do good things to you because it contains phenolics.

I don't really understand the science, my understanding of phenols is not as good as it might be. However, I have drunk several pints of cider tonight and can report that it was very tasty. In fact, I can nearly still type by hitting the right keys first time so it must be doing some good.

Also, I never realised that in the US, cider doesn't mean cider at all, as explained in the Wikipedia link in the first sentence. Cider would rather be called 'hard cider', meaning it contains alcohol.

A lot of cider in the UK is made from apple concentrate and apparently that isn't as good for you, medicinally, as proper or 'real' cider. Here in the south-west of England the real thing would often be referred to as 'rough' cider. That basically means it's made from apples, is as cloudy as your mind will be after a pint or two and is very, very tasty. Oh, and it doesn't really taste alcoholic at all.

To me, cider is one of the great things in life. As we are coming into apple-picking time, let alone the windfall apple harvest, I take my hat off to the humble apple for being endlessly versatile.

Greenpeace Find Sex Toys Unsatisfying

It's official - Greenpeace - in fact rather appropriately the Netherlands office in Amsterdam - are warning that sex toys could be dangerous for your health.

So, do they want to spoil everyone's fun? No, but after EU legislation finally banned some harmful chemicals from children's toys last year, now the grown-up equivalent are in for a pounding.

Many of the chemicals used in everyday products we take for granted have, over time, been shown to be dangerous to our health. PVC - Polyvinyl Chloride - is such a product because in many applications phthalates are added. Phthalates are a plasticiser and their use is the reason why you can get flexible items like PVC clothing and cabling.

Phthalates have long been a worry though because they can leach out - a real concern when they are in toys kids can chew on - or with adult toys that are, umm, designed to be used internally.

The full report for Greenpeace is available here on the Greenpeace Netherlands website.

Short News cracked me up because they titled their take on the story 'Greenpeace Comes Down Hard on Dangerous Dildos'. That's just inspired.

Apparently the items on test supplied by the Netherlands office included a Spectra Gel Anal Plug and a Crystal Jelly Double Dong - plus items from the French office including a Clitofing and an Anneau d'Erection (anneau means ring, you work it out!). I guess this means, presumably, that even though the Dutch are sexually liberated even they felt a bit embarrassed about going into a shop and buying the whole list.

Want to do more for a toxics-free future? You can lend your support here.

Fank Fun it's Friday Fantastic Photo Foolery Fest - 01/09/06

Sky Movies are making a big deal at the moment of showing every single Star Wars film - as a way of building up to the TV premiere of the last movie, Star Wars III.

They are also running adverts that take a swipe at Film Four. Film Four recently went from being a subscription service to having one free channel - the downside being that the films now have adverts in. So Sky Movies are running ads that tell you if you're waiting for an ad break to go to the loo or make a cup of tea, you are out of luck - with the tagline 'movies without interruptions'.

Well, one thing that has often irritated me about Sky Movies is they often make announcements over the closing credits of films - sometimes this can be very annoying. This week, on many Sky Movies films, you may have been fortunate enough to listen to Phill Jupitus summing up the entire idea and plot of The Empire Strikes Back - and why you should watch it this coming Saturday. Not just a little announcement, he goes on and on, for what must be at least three minutes.

Sky Movies - movies without interruptions? Err, no.

So, for this week's FFFFPFF, your captions please for this new and improved, rather touchy-feely Darth Vader:


If your entry is good, treat yourself by doing your own selection of improvised moments from the films. I can highly recommend an, "I am your father" or a "Use the force, Luke." In fact, my Wookie impersonation is rather good too.