Change in the hand is worth more than on the floor...

Two things highlighted in one small incident today: one - I should never underestimate my propensity for a spontaneous, public, 'potty mouth' moment, and two - a matter of common sense...

When paying for things in shops, using cash - or if you are working handling money yourself - I came to the conclusion, years ago, that if giving someone coins and notes, one should put the coins into an offered hand first and then put the notes (and receipt etc. if giving change) on top.

This is because the opposite approach means unless you screw the whole lot up in your hand and stuff it in your pocket etc., the first thing you have to do is extract the paper from underneath a handful of coins, whereas being human and having opposable thumbs it is easier to deal with a handful of coins and grasp some paper on top without chucking the whole lot on the floor.

Especially when you only have one free hand, as I discovered today, in B&Q. I was supporting a dozen pieces of batten under one arm and the cashier did the paper then coins approach - and having no choice but to try stuffing it all in my pocket meant I promptly chucked some change on the floor.

"Oh fuck," I said, in quite a spontaneously loud, but rather resigned way - comically snapping the shopper behind me out of her 'till trance' and soliciting a modicum of glee from the previously rather uninterested cashier, who at least helped rescue my money. Coins first, then paper, it's the way to go...

Tagged - 10 Simple Things...

I've just been tagged by Sandy at To Touch a Unicorn and in a lightning fast response, here we go:

"It’s a great thing to be able to count your blessings, even the simplest ones. instructions: name ten (10) of life’s simple pleasures that you like the most, try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used."

1. Feeling totally wiped out from doing manual labour
2. Lying on my back and watching the sky (day or night)
3. Listening to the sea
4. The movement of a ship
5. Physical comedy and improvisation - watching it or doing it
6. Laughing so hard it hurts
7. Connecting with someone
8. Making things/skills/crafts
9. Pretending
10. Waking up in the morning and knowing you achieved something the previous day

Fank Fun it's Friday Fantastic Photo Foolery Fest - 25/05/06

Why have all your FFFFPFFs in one country, when you can have them abroad too? For example, I love France, it's a smashing place, but considering we are historically close in many ways the differences still amuse me no end.

So, don't forget, 'le singe est dans l'arbre', I'm sure 'le chat est sur la table' and in addition to a large 'petit déjeuner' cup of 'chocolat chaud', as many 'pain au chocolat' as you can eat if you can come up with some suggestions for what this is all about.... 'Zut alors!'

Crap Customer Service Spotlight: Zurich Insurance

Zurich are a big insurance and financial services company. They have launched a new ad campaign which cunningly replaces the letter 's' at the end of the word 'happens' with a 'z' - presumably in some marketing lunacy intended to connect with the name Zurich, because it has a 'z' in it too. Or perhaps somebody was just cheating at scrabble and really wanted that triple word score?

Anyway, my cunning marketing slogan,'Because Shit Happenz', is more squarely pointed at my experience of them sorting out an insurance claim...

You may remember this incident I had on January 6th this year, when a Borough of Poole dustcart sideswiped me on the way into work in Poole. The pic in that post was of course a FFFFPFF, I elaborated on the damage to my car in this post (pic repeated on the right).

Now, I have heard people complain about insurance claims before, more accurately where they were 'non-fault', saying even if the work is eventually done you never end up on the 'right' end of the deal. I have lost track of the time and aggravation this has cost me and here we are, nearly five months later, and I still haven't been paid for the damage.

To explain, I finally got the car fixed on the 11th April and, having had the go ahead from Zurich to get the work done, I sent the invoice I had paid in to Zurich, along with a nice covering letter explaining everything, so they could reimburse me.

Now, having heard nothing by yesterday, I thought I'd get in touch. I had been given no e-mail contact and none were listed on their website (I hate that - especially as they always make you fill in a form with your own e-mail address on, in order to contact them - which I did, asking for an e-mail address). So, I phoned them. My contact for the claim told me they had been chased for payment by the Ford dealer and sent them a cheque (he was looking at this on a computer, I understand) - however could I wait while he got all the paperwork relating to the claim? Of course, I said.

Well, after a good five minutes of silence I wondered if I'd been cut off, so I re-dialled and spoke to someone else, to whom I gave my number, and they assured me they would get this chap to call me back. Nothing. It was getting on in the day so I thought, fair enough, he'll call me back in the morning.

Well, as it happened, the bod from the Zurich website came up with an e-mail address - result! So I e-mailed the guy this morning and he phoned me up. The conversation went a little bit like this...

Zurich: I just got your e-mail

RO: Yes, you didn't call me back yesterday, a colleague of yours took a number and said you would call.

Zurich: I didn't get any message.

RO: [You surprise me, as my faith in your systems is still brimming] So, what have you found out?

Zurich: Well, I still can't find the documents, I think that because it is a settled claim, the documents have been put into archive.

RO: Oh, so when will I get my money?

Zurich: Well, because we have paid the Ford dealer instead of you, the easiest thing for you to do would be to contact them and ask them to pay you.

RO: I'm sorry?

Zurich: Ask them to pay you.

RO: Umm... but you are supposed to settle the claim with me.

Zurich: Yes, but it means we'll have to wait to get the money back from them before we can pay you.

RO: So let me get this right, you have made a mistake and sent the money to the wrong place and now you want me to sort it out for you?

Zurich: Yes.

RO: But, it's not my problem.

[He actually interrupted me here...]

Zurich: Well it is your problem.

RO: Umm, did you just say it's my problem? [What a twat! Get thee to customer service school... My problem is that you have f**cked -up.]

Zurich: Well, you would probably get your money faster, it could take another month otherwise.

RO: Look, I'd rather you contact the Ford dealer and sort this out properly and let me know when you've done it, okay?

Zurich: Okay.

Wowzers. I mean, apart from appalling customer service, what does this say about their audit trail. Legally, they haven't actually settled the claim, however they ask me to sort out their f**k-up for them! If I did what they had asked, got paid by the third party, and then rang them up again in another month and asked them why they hadn't paid me, how could they prove they had? Not that I do fraud, but you have to question their accountability - they could end up paying me twice.

Anyway, after calling me again because they couldn't find the Ford dealer's number, they eventually told me the dealer hadn't received their cheque either. Talk about mucking about. Although that was a good thing apprently because it meant they didn't have to delay paying me. Like it was my fault they had paid the wrong people!

This isn't over yet, I can tell. With Zurich, I can tell 'Shit Happenz' a lot.

Fahrenheit 9/11 and more...

This was on More4 tonight as they are showing Michael Moore's films this week.

If you haven't seen it, the movie points out the links between the Bush family/administration and Saudi Arabia, the shocking instigation of the climate of fear, the invasion of Iraq and how the whole thing is tied up in oil control and business interests - money, basically - whilst mainly poor civilians get toasted along with members of the US military (who generally come from the poor places in the US).

I know the documentary didn't really swing the last US election like he hoped it would. It just goes to show what a hell of a job Bush et al have made of duping the average US citizen. We re-elected Blair too, of course. More proud moments for the US and UK to reflect upon.

I'm looking forward to Iraq for Sale more than ever now.

I seem to have read a lot of comments in various places about how people want real, transparent democracy. I guess such thoughts are nothing new at all, however it does seem shameful that some of the most vociferous and violent countries in the world are also some of the biggest exponents of capitalism.

I wonder if we will ever separate democracy and capitalism now, or if democracy is just doomed to be capitalism's handy toilet roll, trotted out as the answer to everything shit in the world, whilst those with enough money couldn't give a toss because they never get their hands dirty anyway.

Fank Fun it's Friday Fantastic Photo Foolery Fest - 19/05/06

Speaking of laptops, how about coming up with a caption or two for this week's FFFFPFF? I can't remember the last time I saw quite such a startled-looking pussy sitting on mine. Anyway, a tin of Whiskas and a free conspiracy-theory about how electrical goods only seem to go wrong just after your warranty has expired for every purr-fect entry.

Apparently, even Macs occasionally have problems...

Ha! I have had an interesting couple of days because my trusty PowerBook had a 'moment' on Wednesday evening. Much amusement followed, the highlights of which were probably not utterly thrilling unless you were there - and shame on me because I knew the OS had been a bit wonky for a while, but it still kept going. Anyway, suffice to say thank goodness for backups, DiskWarrior and FireWire booting and only 48 hours later my little laptop is enjoying an almost Dr Who-worthy regeneration, completely intact apart from a few, utterly understandable, system extension niggles - much like the Doctor himself, I dare say.

I am ashamed to say I identified a few gaps in my IT support strategy and also gained some further insight into my level of internet dependence, accompanied by some quality utterances such as:

When did I last boot this particular computer?
Ah, support forums, that's what I need - and internet access is coming from... umm...
Must.... check... e-.....mail.... nnnnngggh!

Anyway, bless its little aluminium shell. It's only crashed about half a dozen times in three years or so and it wasn't such a bad wobbly after all - and things are just lovely now, and surprisingly quick for its now rather aged-looking G4-ness, so everyone's a winner it seems.

Which quite appropriately leads me on to the fact that there were posts to happen this week about learning from mistakes rather than just repeating them, what with Tony Blair voicing his public support for new nuclear power stations and whatnot, however that will have to wait because there's just time for a FFFFPFF...

Anecdotal Evidence No. 15

I have slowly realised that, little by little, I am becoming a man with a well-kept garden.

Fank Fun it's Friday Fantastic Photo Foolery Fest - 12/05/06

Blummy heck, where's this week disappeared to? Another FFFFPFF already?!!

Well, it's getting harder and harder for people to have a fag these days isn't it? See if you can come up with a suitable smoke-free caption or two for this week's pic:

This is some bizarre, possibly ventilation-assisted smoker-holding pen I saw at Southampton Airport recently. It looks strange to me, so there must be some comedy mileage in it, I'm sure.

Your patience would be appreciated...

Why are people so impatient these days? This afternoon a woman motorist treated me to a near apoplectic fit. Why? I had blocked my lane to load a van up with lead (I used to have a lead roof on part of my house until it was re-done) and there was nowhere else to park.

Now, my lane is two cars wide and during most week days people park solidly down one side of it - as they had done today. Apart from that, the road is not outrageously busy and there are easy ways around it. Also, I don't make a habit of blocking the road and would only do so as a last resort - which it was. Lead is heavy, after all.

My friend and I had just pulled up in the hired transit van I'd picked up - and loaded our first 'carry' into the back of it, when the bonnet of a Ford Ka appeared about two feet off the back doors. As this was clearly going to make futher access to the back of the van difficult I sensed the driver was not going to be thoroughly understanding.

"Hello, we're going to be about 20 minutes probably," I managed to get out before I was treated to a crescendo of driver frustration and rage, featuring such gems as "20 minutes?!!", "I need to get home", "I'm going to call the hire company" and the timeless classic "Do you want me to call the Police?".

Now, perhaps it's just me, but unless I owe you a substantial amount of money or something, I find my willingness to help in any given situation actually grows or diminishes in direct correlation to how nice people are. I exercise this in a work sense with customer service too: be nice and explain the situation and I'll listen and help - chuck a mental with little or no reason and I feel that desire to help just ebb away.

A cursory look up the road, still full of parked cars, told me this woman had seemingly not just pulled out in her car, but had turned into my lane and driven the 30 metres or so to the back of the van.

So, she might manage a bit of patience perhaps? Even better, back up 30 metres and go around (like at least one other person had, who had nosed into the end of the lane and then thought better of it)? No. She preferred to get all aerated and shout at me, then try to conduct a bit more conversation through a closed car window, then get positively rude - before eventually reversing up the road in a style even Michael Schumacher would have been proud of, should he ever be asked to conduct a grand prix in reverse gear, in a straight line, over about 30 metres, with the added challenge of nearly running over my foot.

This gave me the answer to two rather relevant questions: 1. The car did, in fact, have a reverse gear and 2. She did, in fact, know how to use it.

Both of these questions had already crossed my mind, of course - and I realised that in what can often be a yawning chasm between what we think and actually do, that less polite people might have actually asked them.

My friend had kept a wide-eyed and innocent distance during negotiations - he was wearing one of those looks he excels at, where you could see this dry kind of smile on his face although to all intents and purposes you couldn't say he was actually expressing an opinion - such as taking the piss. After the speedy exit stage left, I had to laugh out loud, because I know he has done a lot of delivery driving in his time. "Best advice is just to ignore them," he suggested - and although I advocated the 'be a bit helpful' approach, I couldn't help but admit he was probably right.

Fank Fun it's Friday Fantastic Photo Foolery Fest - 05/05/06

Time for another FFFFPFF. Local elections here in the UK yesterday - and a disaster for Labour with the Tories making considerable gains. Makes you proud, doesn't it? Umm...?

This subject is all over the news today, of course, however am I really in the minority to find the overwhelming and relentless party-politicisation of Local Government thoroughly unproductive - and ultimately frustrating for achieving progress on what actually matters locally?

In my experience, party politics rarely encourage sensible debate of issues at a local level and cause more conflict than they are worth. To listen to the news today, it would appear lots of people have voted one way or another for their local councils merely as a protest. What kind of f**cked up nonsense is that? Democracy at it's best?

As a result of the above, Tony Blair has been forced into shaking up the Cabinet and has finally told Charles Clarke to sling his hook. Therefore, come up with a caption for the following, pledge your undying support for Blair to stick it out to the bitter last - and that place you've alway wanted in the Cabinet (Department nogotiable) could be yours! Our flavour of democracy is truly 'the way', comrades!


In brighter news, after the recent exposure of the affair with his secretary, the fat, ugly, hypocritical twunt, John Prescott, our Deputy Prime Minister, has got to keep his job, yet has had most of his work taken away. Yes, we get to spend about £250,000 on his salary, houses and cars and in return he gets more free time to shag anyone who fancies a 'kiss and tell'. I'm so proud of our democratic system I could burst...

Carol Vorderman Please Stop Doing Secured Loan Adverts!

Some of you may use www.moneysavingexpert.com. It's a fantastic site that helps you be more savvy with your money. Martin Lewis, the journalist who started the site, pops up in the media quite a lot too so you may have seen him. Anyway, I have a problem with celebrities endorsing crap and this one is right up there at the top of the list. In Martin's words:

"The British public now collectively owe a massive £1,100,000,000,000. The secured loan market has increased five times over the last five years and the growing normalization of these loans is a time bomb waiting to go off.

Sold as a ‘cure all’ where people bung all their debts together, they’re often, actually, potentially expensive debts, which trap people in for an extended period and if you can’t repay you can lose your home. Adverts for these are now constantly sprayed across our TV sets.

For nine years Carol Vorderman’s advertised these loans. Advertising works, that’s why companies pay for it and over time her powerful advertisements will have contributed to the growing normalization of this form of borrowing. I believe this is truly worrying, as secured loans should only ever be seen as loans of last resort. I would like her to stop and I’d urge all who agree to sign the petition and let her know."

Head over, check out the details and sign up here. As of today's launch, 25,000 signatures and counting.

Iraq for Sale - help finance the movie!

Iraq for Sale is the latest movie in production from Brave New Films in the USA. You may be familiar with other offerings from the team there, such as Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism or the more recent WAL-MART: The High Cost of Low Price.

The latest film is going to blow the lid on the profiteering bastards you just know are making squillions of dollars out of the war in Iraq off the back of the tens of thousands slaughtered.

Pioneering huge impact public-interest film-making on tiny budgets, they are filming now and need to find $300,000 of funding to complete the project. As I write, they are just $50,000 short of this target.

Donate them some money - they suggest $50 - and they'll even stick your name on the credits!

For maximum impact, the film is being released the week before the US mid-term elections in November. Even if you don't live in the US, your Recruiting Officer believes this is one of those 'global citizen' no-brainers if you can spare the cash.

If it does the trick in the States, it really could be one of the best $50 you've ever spent...